“life will be better in spring”
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March 2016
People Go For People Who Treat Them Badly
Sunday, 13 March 2016 || 23:28
I've been thinking a lot
again and I don't know what to feel. Doesn't it suck when your significant other or crush or love interest doesn't love you as much as you love them or expect of them? I probably can't take somebody who doesn't like clingy girls lmao which sorta explains why my past relationships failed. They said I'm too clingy, and I need too much attention. Which is true.
I've been reading a fic, and the girl constantly brushes the guy off. They're best friends, the guy has a crush on the girl but the girl is constantly after other guys. Ya know... that kinda storyyyy. To me, it's weird. The guys that really love her, puts her first, does romantic things, the sorta perfect boyfriend, she doesn't like it. However, she complains about the guys that pushes her away, prefers to do other things than spend time with her, etc.
Plenty of girls would kill to be in her position. Heck, even her closer female friends are envious of her and always goes WTF when she throws
"perfect boyfriends" away because she finds them too clingy.
I guess to me, I would kill to have a boyfriend who constantly pays attention to me. Romantic things are optional but it would be pretty cute. Attention is probably by number 1, or just spending time with each other. So to me, all I thought while reading the fic's
'WTF u piece of shit y u du dis u bloody retard'. I'm pretty envious of her relationships with the
"perfect boyfriends" too although I'm perfectly content with my current relationship.
To add on, she's a bitch to everybody. She snaps at everybody, is constantly in a bad mood,
YA KNOW THOSE GRILLS. I don't get how guys still fall for girls like that but then again... she's pretty so..........
I guess looks get you everything.
Cue self-potate
It pisses me to no end that she doesn't appreciate what's given to her and it's not say that she has a very bad life. WTF her life is so
gooooood but she is always complaining about this about that, it's as though she's a Singaporean auntie lmao.
I don't know.......
I have a lot to say about it but I can't form words in my head. It's all jumbly. It's like everything's there but no matter how hard I try to grab them, I can't. As usual.
Ugh
8th March 2016
Tuesday, 8 March 2016 || 16:11
It's pouring heavily right now.
Got me thinking, if only you're here right now
I'd cuddle the shit outta ya
If only it rained this heavily the previous two days
But I had fun with you
Days where we get to sleep together...
They just make me wish that we could just speed up 6 years and get married already
But at the same time
I don't wanna grow up
I wanna stay 19
I wanna stay schooling
I don't have to worry about money
I don't have to worry about a lot of things
It's the days after our sleepovers where I feel the most upset
I know I shouldn't be
But I just miss you instantly
And it makes me want to stay with you forever
To cuddle
To sleep
To eat
To do everything together
Mmmmm
I must sound like a crazy grill now
But I miss you babe
Drunk Experience
Monday, 29 February 2016 || 22:43
Got home, still feeling horrible though.
I really never thought I would see the day that I get drunk
But to be frank, I feel happy.
Got drunk last night
The feeling wasn't what I expected.
I thought it was something that would slowly creep up
But what I felt was after a few cups
Fuck I feel damn noob
Then I took another cup
All of a sudden I feel a wave flush over me
Suddenly everything was blurry
I felt light
I felt giddy
I remember feeling thankful for Ming Yi because he was taking care of all of us
I remember playing Indian Poker & In Between
I remember spilling coke over the cards
I remember Jian Ying being drunk
But hey, while playing the games and drinking
I feel like that wasn't the fun part
The fun part was after CT dragged me back to the room
Which I am super grateful for
Because by then I was really very giddy
And he was taking care of me
Like he said he would
I feel bad for constantly running around
Constantly asking for water
Constantly needing to pee
Constantly telling you "I love you"
But hey that's how you know it's true right? HAHAHA
I feel bad for keeping you up
Because I kept leaving the bed
Leaving the room
Kept talking to you
Watching videos
Aiya I'm pretty sure you know what I did better than I do
But I really am thankful babe
I LOVE YOU
HAHAHA
I'M NOT DRUNK
Ugh and mental note
Never drinking ever again
It doesn't even taste nice
Or maybe it's just vodka that doesn't taste nice
But a hangover is not a nice feeling
NOT NICE
I Can't Think of Amazing Titles
Saturday, 27 February 2016 || 00:39
Okay I think I am slightly addicted to editing the template for my blog.
Been changing things here and there
I didn't touch the layout because I liked how it looked
Probably the most I've changed is the color of certain codes
like how bold is this and italic is this instead of the dull grey they came in
Changed the photos too as they weren't in photobucket anymore :(
So I looked through Google looking for something nice
But I got lazy so...
I just chose whatever that caught my eye but I'll probably change them whenever I feel like looking through thousands of photos
so maybe never
I added in the social media widgets too because I like stalking myself
Creeper.
And of course, my ever following me wishlist!
Too bad nobody ever reads my blog
Other than the one or two I know
I guess I'll just have to get what I want on my own then :(
I added in songs too because I've always enjoyed blogs that came with music
I dislike just reading
IT'S BORING
I used to hide the little widget so that people can't pause that shit HAHAHA
Then I realized it's annoying me too and end up removing the widget a month down the road
So I shall leave it there
And if I feel like stopping that goddamn music
I SHALL
Anywayyyyyyyyyyy,
THIS IS SO COOL!
Soooo me being the retard that I am has never been able to understand what the bloody codes mean in the Edit Template HTML.
They've all just been weird brackets and hashtags to me
BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT I LEARNT IN VT AND MTSY
cause of the like color codes and shit right
I've managed to decode, like... 60% of it
And it made me think...
HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO MAKE MY OWN BLOGSKIN?
So I've been looking through the HTML codes for various blogskins,
Trying to figure out just exactly what does what
But sadly I'm still a goner at this
But I won't give up, yas?
And I said half an hour ago that I should go to sleep
But I haven't
I don't even know why
I'm just not tired
But I am fucking hungry
And I've decided,
I shall blog whenever I can
Cause it calms me down
And I can read back on this and maybe cringe a bit
HAHAHAHAHA
I'm thinking of jumping over to Wordpress but I'm super used to Blogger
How can I not be?
I've been using this since PRIMARY SCHOOL lmao
But hey,
I really want to try out Wordpress but it's just another blogging site
Wew
Decisions
Babe
Thursday, 25 February 2016 || 18:53
I must say, it's been a pretty fun week.
I still spent a lot of time thinking.
School.
Games.
CCA.
Work.
Love.
Still overthinking but I feel happier inside.
Lighter, if you will.
Considering the fact that I just spent the past 2 days crying,
It would be a wonder if I still feel horrible.
But it's great that we managed to talk everything out.
I don't know when you're ever gonna read this.
Maybe never.
But you said you read my blog ahaha so I'm hoping this will get to you before you delete yours.
I feel like I should tell you all this in person
But I won't see you for another week
And I'll probably forget
So hey, here it is.
Out of the 7 posts in your blog, well... 6 since the oldest doesn't count, the one that really struck me's the first one.
By first, I mean the newest one.
I don't mean it in a negative way.
It was the only post that made me tear up.
The only one that really mattered to me.
When you said you had a blog that you write your feelings in, I honestly thought there were gonna be more posts than that.
I kept bugging you for it because I wanna know more about you.
The things that you normally wouldn't tell anyone.
I wanted to know what was going on in your head,
What ticked you off,
What made you do the things you did
Because at that time, all I was, was just a friend to you.
Because even though we were only friends at that moment in time
I wanted to know what led to us being together now.
Frankly, the thing that I wanted to know the most is was whether you liked me as much as I liked you before we got together.
I'm fucking insecure, I'm pretty sure you know that.
But when I read what you wrote, you made me smile.
Even though your posts were about other girls 80% of the time
But what you wrote about me made me smile
Even though all you wrote about was thinking that I look physically attractive.
But I've never felt that way about myself ever.
Sure, I say stuff like
"I'm damn cute"
"I'm pretty, right?"
But I don't believe them.
I think I'm average.
At literally everything.
Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses,
But I still don't know what my strengths are.
I know a whole shit ton of weaknesses though ahahaha
I know I would never be able to change your mind about deleting your blog
Heck, you wrote it there from 2 years ago
And you're my a stubborn old fool
But babe,
I'm glad I make you happy
Although I throw a damn lot of tantrums and bitch fits
But you're still there for me.
Always.
And you would always give in to me
I'm grateful.
I feel like a wuss
I'm tearing up while writing this out
I love you, babe
Forever and Always
Well...
Thursday, 18 February 2016 || 00:23
I'm starting to think that a blog's only useful for when I'm upset because "I should blog about this" doesn't come up in my mind when I'm feeling happy.
Y'know they always say "don't stick your dick into crazy". Well...... I feel crazy lmao. Judging from how I react to things, and how "normal" girls are supposed to react.... I'm crazy.
Having been through UR, apparently it's because I'm infatuated. I feel horrible. I mean it's great and all that I understand why I'm acting this way but I just can't shrug off all these negative feelings that I have and feel happy.
I feel jealous. Constantly. It's not even like once or twice that kinda thing but it started shortly after we got together and I know it's not a very good thing.... I've been trying to make myself feel differently but it always fails. I'm still waiting for the moment where I can say "oh, that's great" and it's not sarcastic.
They say infatuation doesn't last long but there's a higher chance that feelings will fade instead of maturing and I'm afraid.
It's sad to say that my words recently have always been "I'm afraid" or "I'm scared".
Fear of losing you, fear of being replaced, etc.
I don't know what to do....
Somebody please help me :(
It's a vicious cycle and I really want it to end...
Not Again
Tuesday, 20 October 2015 || 23:54
So it's been 20 days since my last post and it hasn't been all that great.
I downloaded the blogger app just 30s ago just to blog cause I really can't take this anymore.
I know he won't read this and I'm not very sure if I want him to but hey... at least I get to vent it all out right? :')
I think it was just last week when we had our h2h talk till 3 in the morning. You had to go to bed but I was still feeling upset. I felt horrible that I had to leave whatever I wanna said hanging but hey, I would prefer you to sleep. When you said you wanted to go to bed, in my head, all I wanted to do was scream no and I kinda regretted it... because it sorta built up inside. I talked about smoking but that was all I said. I didn't talk about her, which was what really bothered me majority of the time however you had your fair share of problems that day and all I wanted to do was to hear you vent, to say what bothers you and why.
Whenever I try to fall asleep in your arms, I just wanna talk to you. To let you know how I feel about her but idk how to speak up without sounding like an overly obsessive, jealous little bitch. I can't deny, most probably I am.
You probably forgot this already but a couple of weeks ago when you opened up about your feelings, it hurt but I was happy because you told me what you were truly feeling inside. Although it wasn't something that I wanted to hear but at least you were truthful. I thought that having a h2h talk would bring us closer together but I feel myself trying to put some distance between us so that I won't hurt as much. We fell asleep at around 2am, and I woke up pretending like I'm fine but I wasn't.
Last night was horrible, I wouldn't disagree. When you told me what you did, I was stunned for a moment. I tried to play it off but when I turned around and tried to fall back to sleep, I couldn't. It was stuck in my head, I felt fucking horrible inside. I felt betrayed but maybe if you ever read this post, you would think that I'm just exaggerating and would probably want to put some distance between us because I'm a crazy bitch. It wasn't much, but to me it felt like I was slowly breaking from inside out. I cried my eyes out and when you were comforting me, I wanted to push you away but then again, I was afraid you wouldn't come back after that.
I told you the summary of how I felt inside. I didn't know whether I should continue on. When you said you were going to sleep after I told you to, I spent a whole lot of time thinking. It breaks my heart knowing that you still have feelings for her, even though you said you would never ever go back to her. I know how it felt like because I went through that too.
I'm afraid. Super afraid. I always wanted to ask you why you would be in a relationship with me. We met last year, I've seen how you were (or still are). What if..... what if you're just using me? What if whenever we're together, you imagine that you're with her instead? What if you're just trying to use me to get over her? I sound super insecure, but I am........ I mean, I've been in quite a number of relationships but I just don't see what they see in me.
I realised that I may have the appearance of a small girl, but inside I'm way way way smaller. Idk how to put this into words but I feel like a fucking child. I feel so fragile.
I don't know what to do...... at this rate, I really won't be able to take it anymore. Sigh... I guess our honeymoon period ended on our 3rd monthsary.....
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