“life will be better in spring”
January 2014
February 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
September 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
April 2015
September 2015
October 2015
February 2016
March 2016
November, I hope you'll be better.
Sunday, 2 November 2014 || 08:04
Can somebody please save me?
I don't know what I've been doing and I don't know what to do any longer.
I'm confused, frustrated and of course, sad.
Why can't someone just walk up to me and tell me what to do next?
I'm tired of thinking of trying something and not knowing how the outcome would be.
For situations like this, almost always, it turns out negative.
They say how the next year's gonna be better...
Well I don't see how 2014 is any better than 2013.
If anything, 2013 was way better and it was a pretty bad year for me.
Since it's already the 2nd of November
I really hope that the upcoming 2015 would be better.
I remember telling myself at the start of the year when I created this blog
"No blogging about sad things okay?"
But how can I do that when all life ever throws at me is shit and more shit?
I wanna cheer up but I can't, no matter how hard I try.
It's not even because of 1 single matter.
This year, every problem I've faced seems connected.
Like legitimately.
Honestly, some days I don't even feel like eating, sleeping or breathing
And I'm extremely fearful of death.
"Am I depressed?"
I doubt so.
"Are you overthinking?"
Most probably I am. I'm the Queen of Overthinking ahaha
"Do you think life would get better?"
Frankly speaking no... but I really hope it would change soon.
June, July, August, September, October, November.
Close to 6 months.
I've been single for close to 6 months.
I'm not even going to deny it
I miss being in a relationship.
I'm not even missing it for the skinships, the sweet talk, etc.
All I want is a guy who truly cares and would always be there for me when I need him to.
Vice versa, of course.
Sigh and it's not even like I haven't been trying.
But sigh, you could infer it yourself that I've been turned down since I'm blogging about it here.
"But it's only been 6 months"
I know, but for a person who's been jumping from relationship to relationship because I'm scared of being alone, this is pretty goddamn long.
Yeah yeah, I know what you would say,
"what a flirt"
"you deserve to be alone"
"stop changing guys"
etc etc.
To me, I don't date just for fun.
This coming from a seventeen year old must be hilarious, huh?
But yes
I don't see the point in being in a relationship if you're not going to be together in the end.
Of course, I didn't have that mindset until like sec 2?
And now I'm halfway through year 1 of poly.
So that means...... approx 3 years.
For the past 6 months, I've only had a guy that I really really wanted
But I couldn't tell anyone
He knows
But it isn't going anywhere
I feel scared, awkward and alone
I'm at a loss at what to do
I think he's real adorable
He's nice and funny
An ass at times but still...
An amazing guy.
I don't know if I've misinterpreted his actions wrongly
Because I'm currently on a one-way trip to Hell all the way from Cloud 9
Honestly, I've been pretty good at keeping my feelings for him in check
Well, better than I used to (I think)
But what makes me upset the most is that jealousy keeps seeping through
I can't even stop it
It keeps rearing out its demonic head
I'm like the warrior, worn out and covered in blood
And my sword's nowhere to be found
I can only stare and futilely try to fight back as it consumes me whole.
The worst thing about this is that I'm so sad that I can't even cry
Like really
I can sit on my bed just thinking about it
And I just wouldn't cry
My heart would hurt, definitely
I can feel it sink down
Probably it's in my stomach right now
And my breathing gets heavier
My nose turns red
But no tears
None came out
This is bad
So so so bad
I can't even express my feelings anymore
They're just kept up in my chest
And I'll probably faint from everything
I can feel myself getting sick soon
And I don't get sick easily
Sigh sigh
What to do?
Somebody please tell me what to do
Pusheen Box subscription 