I downloaded the blogger app just 30s ago just to blog cause I really can't take this anymore.

I know he won't read this and I'm not very sure if I want him to but hey... at least I get to vent it all out right? :')

I think it was just last week when we had our h2h talk till 3 in the morning. You had to go to bed but I was still feeling upset. I felt horrible that I had to leave whatever I wanna said hanging but hey, I would prefer you to sleep. When you said you wanted to go to bed, in my head, all I wanted to do was scream no and I kinda regretted it... because it sorta built up inside. I talked about smoking but that was all I said. I didn't talk about her, which was what really bothered me majority of the time however you had your fair share of problems that day and all I wanted to do was to hear you vent, to say what bothers you and why.

Whenever I try to fall asleep in your arms, I just wanna talk to you. To let you know how I feel about her but idk how to speak up without sounding like an overly obsessive, jealous little bitch. I can't deny, most probably I am.

You probably forgot this already but a couple of weeks ago when you opened up about your feelings, it hurt but I was happy because you told me what you were truly feeling inside. Although it wasn't something that I wanted to hear but at least you were truthful. I thought that having a h2h talk would bring us closer together but I feel myself trying to put some distance between us so that I won't hurt as much. We fell asleep at around 2am, and I woke up pretending like I'm fine but I wasn't.

Last night was horrible, I wouldn't disagree. When you told me what you did, I was stunned for a moment. I tried to play it off but when I turned around and tried to fall back to sleep, I couldn't. It was stuck in my head, I felt fucking horrible inside. I felt betrayed but maybe if you ever read this post, you would think that I'm just exaggerating and would probably want  to put some distance between us because I'm a crazy bitch. It wasn't much, but to me it felt like I was slowly breaking from inside out. I cried my eyes out and when you were comforting me, I wanted to push you away but then again, I was afraid you wouldn't come back after that.

I told you the summary of how I felt inside. I didn't know whether I should continue on. When you said you were going to sleep after I told you to, I spent a whole lot of time thinking. It breaks my heart knowing that you still have feelings for her, even though you said you would never ever go back to her. I know how it felt like because I went through that too.

I'm afraid. Super afraid. I always wanted to ask you why you would be in a relationship with me. We met last year, I've seen how you were (or still are). What if..... what if you're just using me? What if whenever we're together, you imagine that you're with her instead? What if you're just trying to use me to get over her? I sound super insecure, but I am........ I mean, I've been in quite a number of relationships but I just don't see what they see in me.

I realised that I may have the appearance of a small girl, but inside I'm way way way smaller. Idk how to put this into words but I feel like a fucking child. I feel so fragile.

I don't know what to do...... at this rate, I really won't be able to take it anymore. Sigh... I guess our honeymoon period ended on our 3rd monthsary.....